Each Lullaby
by FridayFrige
Summary: [RufusAlicia, Oneshot] A stopover in Villnore on the way back to the Forest of Spirits.  Rufus wonders if he is merely a poor replacement for Silmeria.


**Title: **Lullaby  
**Author:** FridayFrige  
**Rating:** "T" for suggesting things, just to be safe.  
**Pairing: **RufusxAlicia. You don't need more, but I'm giving you some anyway. :3  
**Synopsis: **Rufus and Alicia stop at Villnore on their second--and certainly final--trip to the lost forest. (Yes, I know this never could have happened. --in a Hrist voice-- Your beloved continuity and logic are meaningless before an uberfangirl!)

* * *

"Nice room," Rufus said in a lackluster tone as he entered the room reserved for them that night in the inn at Villnore. It had two beds, and not the straw kind that he usually felt lucky to sleep in, either. These were made of real cotton, wool, and feathers. It was an amazing luxury, but there was too much for him to think about for him to get excited over it.

"Well," Alicia said softly, "since we're planning to go to Asgard... I figured... our money won't be worth much after that, and..."

He sat down on the bed to the right and placed his hands on his knees. "You were thinking that we'll probably die, so why not blow all of our money?"

"No, it's not like that!" Alicia quickly responded, then clasped her arms together in front of herself and looked away from him coyly. "Well... I know we don't have much chance of survival, but... I was thinking that even if we do survive, we aren't going to need our OTH anymore. We'll be..."

_We'll be free_, that's what she was going to say. Rufus found the idea laughable. There would never be any freedom. The only thing that he could hope to do is save Alicia in the process of getting himself killed. If she could get out of this alive, then it would be worth it.

He already knew that he didn't want her to come with him to confront Odin, but he hadn't told her that yet. She was too naive and hopeful to understand that they were going to die if they went together. He wondered if he shouldn't take the ghoul powder they obtained in Dipan and dispose of it, and tell her to go back to Dipan. He honestly didn't think he would be able to make it anywhere without Alicia, but if they both went, they would both die.

At the same time, he couldn't just leave her alone without a home and without any loved ones. Without Silmeria, she was completely alone now, just as he had been for most of his life. He knew that Alicia would be able to handle it if she had to. She was stronger than she let on. If it came to his death (and it would, he was quite sure), then she would survive. He just didn't want to wish that fate on anyone, especially not Alicia, unless he absolutely had to in order to save her.  
It was a dilemma, and was also his constant reminder that Alicia was only following him because she was alone--because he was the only one here. Had it been any of the others, she would be with them right now. Dylan, Lezard, or anyone else--it didn't really matter. She had said in his darkest moment that he was the only one she could believe in, but the truth was that he was just the only one _left_. If Silmeria had never been separated from her, she would still believe only in Silmeria.

Though that thought hurt, when he looked up at her, he felt a warmth wash over him. He couldn't help but indulge himself in the comfort of her presence, if only for a few days more. The trip from Dipan back to the Forest of Spirits was a long one, and he was grateful for once in his life not to be alone. The forest was full of horrible memories, and it seemed to resonate bitter feelings from all across time. He knew that Alicia couldn't feel it because she was human, but he also knew that somehow she understood. As long as she was with him--Alicia, and nobody else--he knew that he could get through it. That was a new concept in itself--finding strength in others. No one had ever been kind or understanding to him until Alicia appeared, and he had almost rejected her. He owed their meeting to Silmeria, as ironic as that seemed to him now.

At the sound of a slight clatter he looked up and found her inspecting a folding screen that women used to protect their modesty when they got dressed, except that this one wasn't just for dressing. There was a stone tub behind it, and a pipe that fed into it from the wall.

"A bath," she explained, glancing again at him. "The water even comes heated from the spring under one of the mines, they said."

"I'm not leaving just so that you can take a bath," he grumbled. "Do you think you're in a palace? We don't have time for things like that, just get some rest!"

"Don't you want one?" she asked innocently, without allowing his barbs to get to her. "There are robes too, so you don't have to sleep in your clothes."

"I'm used to it that way," he replied, and then sighed in defeat. "But you go ahead, princess. Do whatever you want."

Rufus shut his eyes tightly and rolled over in the other direction, announcing that it was time for bed. Alicia said nothing, but soon he heard the water begin to run and steam began to fill the room. She opened the window that was located near the tub to let it out and then stepped behind the screen.

He had never traveled alone with a woman before, and Silmeria had always made the rules about that before. Always before, Alicia had the bed, and he and the others got the floor. No one bathed, no one slept in pajamas because it was more comfortable that way. Silmeria had more important things to worry about than their odors. Whatever. If she didn't care, then he didn't care. He was going to sleep.

He laid there for quite a while in the dim light of a single candle trying to sleep, trying not to pay attention to the water sounds coming from the far side of the room. Alicia did her best to keep it down, but there were still splashes and sprinkles here and there. With each noise he found it more difficult to silence his internal voice. _Does she even care if I accidently saw her naked? I'm nervous and she's not, so that proves something. I'm just her escort after everything. She doesn't really need me. She doesn't really _love_ me. _And even so, he could not stop thinking about how much he needed her.She didn't care, but he couldn't help but care. This made sleeping impossible.Finally the sounds ceased, but he would rather just stay where he was than assume that Alicia was decent again. There was no reason to move. It wasn't as if they were in the habit of saying good night to each other or anything like that. Her footsteps against the wooden floor were just barely loud enough to hear. He didn't budge as she blew out the candle, and then went to her own bed.

A moment passed in which nothing could be heard except for the sound of a breeze flowing through the window left half open. The drapes which concealed their chamber from the outside world wafted softly. It was a comforting sound carried by a cool wind. He took a deep breath, banishing all thoughts from his mind. Altogether, this wasn't such a bad place to spend your last night on Midgard. The blissfully thoughtless state of sleep would come soon, and then the last day of his life would begin.

There was a tiny, muffled noise just behind him. His body tensed up as he felt a depression in the bed and his eyes opened wide. It was dark, but the moon must have been just outside the window because he could still vaguely see by its light--not that it mattered since there was not much to see on this side of the room except for a blank wall. Someone was in the bed right behind him, and Alicia was the only suspect. This was confirmed when he felt her hands just barely touch his back through his many layers of clothing. He heard her release a deep sigh and then everything was still.

He broke the silence abruptly with his own voice. "Just what exactly are you doing?" he asked her gruffly.

He felt her jump and back away so that she was not touching him at all, but he could still feel her in the bed. "I-I thought you were asleep!"

"What difference does that make?"

"I'm sorry..."

"There are two beds in case you didn't notice," he said.

"I know, but..."

He sighed, realizing that he was being needlessly harsh again. It was a habit that was hard to break. "What's wrong?" he asked, and even that came out sounding more annoyed than sympathetic.

"I just," she began, "I just wanted to make sure that you'd still be there when I woke up."

What a ridiculous idea, he thought. "You think I'd just leave?"

"No," she answered, then meekly continued, "but... someone might take you away..."

That made enough sense once he calmed down and gave it some thought. Both of them had feared waking up unable to control their bodies (or simply never waking up at all) for their entire lives. She was completely free of that fear now, but he was more susceptible than ever.

"And," she continued hesitantly. "I still haven't gotten used to sleeping alone..."

"You aren't used to being the only person in your head is what you mean," Rufus said, managing to express some sympathy this time. "It's okay. I don't know what it'll help, but stay there if you like."

"Thank you," Alicia said quietly, and inched nearer to him again. It wasn't anything he needed thanks for, but he didn't answer. He wasn't cruel enough to shut her out, but there was no way that he would turn to her and hold her close. Definitely not.

He felt the air against his neck as she exhaled a deep breath in relief. Then, there was silence again. It was precisely at that moment that he knew it would be impossible to sleep. Those thoughts in his head had formed voices and they were yelling at him. Being here was somehow so comforting and warm, but at the same time it hurt. It hurt because he felt so much for her and knew that she didn't return it, no matter how close she was right now. It was sheer dependency and he felt as if he was taking advantage of it because he _did_ really want her and was allowing himself to selfishly indulge in keeping her near. Even this touch she granted him was only because of Silmeria's absence.

He didn't blame her. It wasn't as if he could compete with Silmeria. He could only owe his life and everything that he had become over these past months to Silmeria.

The silence lingered on until he couldn't stand not to fill it with something. He disrupted the quiet night again. "Would you be doing this if Silmeria were here?" he asked her.

Alicia stirred, she had fallen half asleep in the meantime. "Well," she began, and she sounded confused. "No..."

"I knew it," he sighed. He wasn't angry or even saddened by the admission. It came as a relief that she realized this as well. He could finally admit it to himself and to her, and she could go back to her own bed. "I'm just a poor substitute for Silmeria. I'm sorry. That's why I don't think you should follow me--it isn't because you're a burden. No... the truth is that I can't make it without it. But... you wouldn't need to follow me if you still had Silmeria with you."

Alicia sat up in the bed, ruffling the sheets with her sudden mpvement. "That isn't true at all!" she exclaimed. Then she gently clasped her hands over her chest and her tone became softer as she continued. "Rufus, I believe in you. Even when Silmeria said that you didn't have the strength and spirit to become a god, I knew that you did. I know that you can save Midgard--and I am done with being a burden and running away. _That_ is why I'm going with you. I would do anything to save Silmeria and to be with her--I feel empty inside without her... I _need_ Silmeria. But... I..." She looked away, embarrassment catching up with her. Words failed her as she tried to explain how if even if they were to die, she would like to meet him again in some simpler life free of kings and gods. "I _want_ to be with you."

Rufus's eyes widened in disbelief. He turned toward her onto his back and looked up. In the light of the moon he could see the contours of her slender shape. The soft light was caught by her eyes and her hair hung over her shoulders freely like the soft branches of a willow, shimmering in it. She wore the white complimentary robe as a night gown, and it was far too big for her small figure. The neck hung low. He suddenly had to think hard to remember what it was he was going to say. "Then why did you--" he answered, "why did you say _no_ when I asked?"

Alicia gave a small, embarrassed, laugh. "I thought you meant... _here_," she said, and placed her hands gently flat on the bed, leaning towards him. Her face was so close that he could smell the sweet, flowery soap that she washed with. Her cheeks were flushed with rose pink. "It would be... awkward."


End file.
